10 Smart Ways to Stay Cool When Your Child Says Hurtful Things to You

No one is immune to hurtful words – and especially not when our children are speaking them. When your child says hurtful things to you, it can feel like a direct stab in the heart. But reacting in anger or frustration will only make things worse. In this blog post, we will discuss 10 tips for how to handle it when your child says hurtful things to you. By remaining calm and grounded, you can set an example for effective communication skills for your kids!

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Bear in mind your child’s maturity level.

There’s just no sense getting yourself worked up when an angry four year old says he hates you. Four year olds, for example, are not mature enough to mean what they say, or say what they mean.

When kids are very young, they don’t have the language skills to articulate their feelings clearly. Simply being hungry or tired can cause them to say hurtful things to get our attention. So when our young ones lash out with hurtful words, it’s important to first consider their age and maturity level.

Remember, that often these comments coming from young kids have nothing whatsoever to do with how much we love them or how good a parent we are! So try your best not to get defensive or upset; instead, stay calm and rational.

Younger kids might benefit from a calm down corner in your home.

Validate your child’s feelings – but set limits too.

It’s important to validate our children when they share their feelings with us. For example, when a child says “I hate you,” we can respond by saying something like “You must feel really angry and frustrated when I don’t let you stay up late.”

However, validation should not be mistaken for agreeing with hurtful things that kids say about themselves or others. We still need to set limits on what is appropriate and inappropriate to say.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling any certain way, but we don’t have the right to say mean things. Teaching your kids how to communicate their feelings gently is providing them with a valuable life skill.

Teach respectful communication when everyone is calm.

Back to my example about a child who says “I hate you,” when they’re angry. It doesn’t do any good to lecture this child or launch a discussion about your personal boundaries right now. Instead, wait until cooler minds can prevail.

That’s why it’s important to teach children that the best way to express their feelings is by telling us what’s bothering them when they are calm and collected. Without this kind of guidance or boundaries, kids can feel like there’s no alternative but to lash out with hurtful words.

Reflect thoughtfully and with humility about your child’s comment.

If you’ve got an older child who is quite bright, it’s possible there’s some degree of truth in their assessment of you. After all, none of us are perfect. It sure does hurt to hear those words, though!

If you suspect your teenager may be right, take a deep breath and give yourself a day or night to reflect. Then, when you’re ready to discuss the situation, approach it thoughtfully and with humility. This is where your own experience as a child of imperfect parents may be quite beneficial.

Kids need to hear adults own their own weaknesses, ask for forgiveness, and then work hard to change. After all, isn’t this what we expect of our children? Actions speak louder than words, so modeling humility, forgiveness, and grit is the surest way to raise a child who also embodies those characteristics.

Speak truth to yourself.

Sometimes, kids say wild things in the heat of the moment – things that aren’t true at all. If you instantly – or over a period of 24 hours – come to know their statement is false, or is an unfair characterization of you, you need to speak truth to yourself. This means that you need to encourage yourself to stay the course, because often, no one else will do that for you.

Self-talk can be very powerful. We all need to hear some encouraging words! When your child says hurtful things to you, speak encouragement to yourself first. This may sound silly, but it really works. Say what you know to be true about the love you have for your child, your own decision-making abilities, or whatever else you need to hear. Here is a post about positive affirmations for kids – but they could help you, too.

Time will help heal the wounds of bad communication between you and your child.

Ensure that you’re spending quality time together.

Sometimes kids lash out and say hurtful things when their parent relationship has become too focused on what needs improving, and just maintaining normal household responsibilities. If you’re rushing from one event to the next and struggling to stay on top of housework, your child may be missing quality time with you.

If you’re interested in learning more about this topic, I recommend a handy book that can be downloaded on Kindle called Attached at the Heart. The author explains how children need a “secure base” from which they can explore their world. When they don’t receive this kind of attention, they become anxious and lash out with angry words.

Don’t respond immediately if hurt or angry.

When our children are upset, it can be difficult not to react in kind. However, reacting angrily will only make things worse. By remaining calm, you model effective emotional management skills for your kids.

If possible, wait until later to discuss the issue when everyone has had a chance to cool down. This will give you a better chance of having a productive conversation.

My own child has sometimes said hurtful words like, “You’re not my mama anymore!” When I don’t respond at all, he continues to yell it at me, presumably to get a reaction. I simply say, “I heard what you said.” I walk away to take a break if I need to.

When he’s calm, we try things like drawing stick figures with feelings drawn on their face. We have tried talking about what makes him feel those feelings, and what are appropriate ways to behave when we have those big emotions.

Let your child know how it felt to hear those words.

After the waters have calmed, it’s wise to explain how it feels when your child says hurtful things to you. Why? Because our kids need to know that we love them even when they say hurtful things, and that we aren’t going anywhere.

When you can speak kindly to your child in a way that is genuine and doesn’t sound insincere, it will be much more powerful than if you punish or lecture your child in the heat of the moment.

Further, our kids need to hear the truth – that words have power, and they can use that power to bring light and hope to someone else, or darkness and despair. We don’t need to shield our kids from the truth.

Our goal is to raise children that make the world a better place. We can’t make the world a better place if we are tearing down the people we love.

This message makes a stronger impact with older kids, but even younger kids benefit from adults calmly talking about their own feelings.

Try to get to the root of their hurtful comment.

One possible cause of kids lashing out with hurtful, angry words is feeling disconnected from their parents.

Another reason your child might be lashing out in anger is because they want more freedom. Your job is to decide if they are ready for it.

Perhaps your child is lashing out in anger because they are struggling with self esteem. In this case, it’s important to help them see their own worth and beauty.

This isn’t an exhaustive list of all reasons why your child might be saying hurtful words. The point is that kids typically lash out because they’re hurting in some way. If we can find a compassionate way to listen, we will gain insight into the problem.

Monitor the language of the adults in the home.

When your child says hurtful things to you, it’s a great time to pause and reflect on how communication looks generally in your household.

One of the most powerful things we can do as parents is model the type of behavior we want our kids to emulate. If we lose our cool and start yelling every time our child says something mean, what kind of message are we sending?

Pay close attention to the dialogue that happens in your home between adults, and also between teenagers and across all generations. If the adults in your home are modeling healthy communication and conflict resolution, this will make a huge difference.

Let children know you love them.

Children may say hurtful words because they feel insecure or disconnected from you. Let them know that no matter what they say to you, nothing can change your love for them.

You can use words to communicate your love, but you can also discover your child’s love language and make sure they are actually feeling the love you are trying to convey. After all, if your love language is “acts of service” but theirs is “words of affirmation,” you can make them as many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches as you want – and they still won’t receive the love you’re trying to give. Learn to speak their language.

Consider family counseling if necessary and appropriate.

When your child says hurtful things to you, it’s helpful to look at your current family circumstances. Are there things happening in your family that are driving your child’s tendency to lash out in anger and say hurtful things? Remember, just because something doesn’t bother you doesn’t mean they’re not struggling to adapt. Family counseling can help uncover these underlying issues, and provide a forum for working together to solve them.

The counseling doesn’t have to be ongoing, but it’s helpful when kids get the chance to express their feelings in a safe environment where they know they won’t be judged or criticized.

You might not need to take this route – but consider doing so if there’s a lot of change happening in your household. What may seem to you like no big deal could be really bothering your child, especially if they’re the sensitive type.

Family counseling can also be really helpful when you’re dealing with teenagers and there is a longstanding pattern of destructive communication.

Express gratitude when your child is being kind.

If you’re trying to break your child’s habit of saying hurtful things, make sure to acknowledge when they get it right. Show your gratitude when they calm down alone and return to you ready to speak respectfully.

It may sound something like this: “I know you were really upset about XYZ. Thanks for asking to take a break from the conversation. When you went to your room to cool down, I got a moment to think, too. I really appreciate that you didn’t say something mean when you were so angry.”

Final Thoughts

You may have felt overwhelmed when you read the title, but after reading this blog post, you should feel a lot more relaxed. In fact, there are many things you can do in order to stay cool when your child says hurtful things to you. Good luck, mamas!